Things She Left Behind

August 15, 2007. A day I will always remember, and wish I could just push it out of my mind forever. My best friend, CJ, passed suddenly of an undiagnosed heart issue at age 40. She wasn't only my friend, but my mentor, my role model, like an older sister I never had. We were writing partners, and to be honest, these blogs are the first hints at writing since she passed. The whole idea of writing completely poofed into thin air after she left; I just have had no interest in it anymore.

But 3 years later, I sit here thinking of her, and waiting to see what I feel about another year without her here. And I am feeling it might be time to push ahead, even if I don't feel like it. Would she want me to give up writing because she isn't here? No! I could almost hear her, encouraging me in only a way she could, to move on and ahead. She's gone, but I am not. And that was the thing with her. She was always, AWAYS so positive. She found the positive in EVERY situation, no matter how hard or bleak it was. No matter how terrible a person may seem, she looked deep into that person's heart and found the reason they were acting that way and then loved them anyways. She didnt complain. She didnt pick. She didnt criticize. She didn't judge. She just loved.

If there was a situation that just didn't seem to have any light at the end of the tunnel, she would count her blessings along that road till the end of the tunnel was in reach. If she was sick (which now we know why she was but didn't at the time) she wouldnt dwell on it, she would acknowledge there was something going on, get it checked and thank God for the good things she did have.

There were a few personal things that really bothered her, one in particular I am thinking of, that made her sad to the core. But even in this she would sigh and just say, I guess it wasn't meant to be. She wasn't a downer- she believed that the longer you dwell on negativity the more negative your life, and eventually you to others, you would become. And that she refused to be.

I consider myself very blessed that we were close; I learned so much from her in the 12 years I knew her. When they called me and asked if I would speak at her funeral, I didn't want to, I hate public speaking, and I was a wreck, but I had to do it for her. And after searching and searching about what to talk about, I ended up with Psalms 31:10-31 where it describes a woman of noble character. It fit her perfectly. And that is something I want to be. I dont want to be "her", but live like she did- to the fullest. To see people like she did- through nonjudgmental eyes. To experience life- in all five senses. To love like she did- no holds barre. To let my actions speak louder than words. To go after what I want, cause its not going to come finding me. And to leave a legacy behind like she did- one that leaves people, 3 years later, still in awe over the good she did while here with us on earth.

I guess I will start here, with this advice she gave me. It reminds me of the poem that was read at her funeral, by I think it was her father, called The Dash. She had set goals, personally and professionally and hit them. She made the most of her time here. And just days before she passed we had talked about all the things I wanted to do and never got to, because I was finding my life had taken a totally different direction than what I'd planned. She turned and smiled that bright smile of hers and told me, Its never too late. Pick up a guitar. Learn those songs. Pick up that pen...get published. Start that business. Make that video. Get involved in that movie. Go camping with family and friends. Go to your favorite artists concerts. Take it all in. Experience LIFE, girl. Because life is what YOU make it.

Thank you, CJ for leaving such an impression on my life and others- and I know you know what I mean when I say... yes, I will dance.