The Driveway

I am sitting here, in a metal chair in my front yard, looking out at the sun setting beyond the mountain, breathing in the late summer air, and hearing the faint melodies of oldies music from a house down the road. Nothing special going on, just feeling the life around me... hearing crickets welcoming another evening, feeling the breeze blow through my hair. I suddenly feel very nostalgic.

This brings back memories. Good ones. And reminds me of a lesson I learned.

I like to keep busy, keep moving, keep creating. I have always been this way, and probably will always be. My mind and my hands CRAVE to do-do-do. If I sit still for too long, I get antsy, and that tends to not be a good thing (I then start over-analyzing things and thinking too much.) Maybe some of you are this way, too. But I have learned that sometimes you just need to sit and chill. Not do. Not create. Not get so wrapped up into things that the little moments slide right by. Cause then, before you know it, they are gone, and you can't get them back.

An example of this, which was brought to mind by my sitting outside in my front yard, has to do with three years ago. Well, even before that. Before my father in law passed. We would go over usually once a week, have dinner with my in-laws and then go sit in their driveway and hang out, listening to oldies, and just talking. Sounds boring. And to me, at the time, it was. I would sit there and want so badly to leave, go home, get to work on something. Or to hop in the car and go somewhere. Do SOMETHING. Why on earth would I want to spend my Saturday nights sitting in a folding chair in a driveway at my in-laws?

Now let me quickly explain the driveway part- my father in law was a collector and antique-car restorer. His favorite place, in the last couple years while he was sick, to be was sitting in front of the garage by his latest project. So yes, we would have a family (and often friends of the family) pow wow in the driveway in front of the garage, per his choice. Give or take pizza. Usually with a fire in a pit. Sometimes with our dog, aka the family mascot.

So...yeah. At the time, I found myself disliking sitting there each week, doing absolutely nothing. But as I now sit in my own front yard, watching the same sun set, I get that feeling like I miss that. I miss sitting there with everyone, talking, joking, and listening to him and my husband reminisce. I miss talking about the songs that came on the radio and what they reminded him of (usually racing some local "punk in a souped-up hotrod his daddy bought him" down Middle St or the Berlin Turnpike, or hanging at McDonalds). The time that we sat there, while I was itching to go, were good times I chose not to fully enjoy. I didn't realize that simple things like hanging out in a driveway by a '67 Chevelle and '56 Nomad or a '55 Chevy Pickup would leave me eventually wanting that time back from history so bad I could taste it.

Since I can't go back in time and steal those moments back, I can remember to enjoy simple times now. This is one reason I sit outside more often than ever before (is it ironic that my favorite time to do so is during the evening while the sun is setting, which is when we used to go over there and hang out?). This is the reason I love my firepit outside... just to sit and enjoy a fire now and then, and relax. Let my mind, my hands, take a break.

Even though it took a little while to break myself from the go go go habit, I am glad I did. Life seems a little fuller now. I just wish I could have enjoyed it this much back then.

OK. Enough babbling. Closing the laptop. The crickets and I have a little more of a sunset to enjoy.

Things She Left Behind

August 15, 2007. A day I will always remember, and wish I could just push it out of my mind forever. My best friend, CJ, passed suddenly of an undiagnosed heart issue at age 40. She wasn't only my friend, but my mentor, my role model, like an older sister I never had. We were writing partners, and to be honest, these blogs are the first hints at writing since she passed. The whole idea of writing completely poofed into thin air after she left; I just have had no interest in it anymore.

But 3 years later, I sit here thinking of her, and waiting to see what I feel about another year without her here. And I am feeling it might be time to push ahead, even if I don't feel like it. Would she want me to give up writing because she isn't here? No! I could almost hear her, encouraging me in only a way she could, to move on and ahead. She's gone, but I am not. And that was the thing with her. She was always, AWAYS so positive. She found the positive in EVERY situation, no matter how hard or bleak it was. No matter how terrible a person may seem, she looked deep into that person's heart and found the reason they were acting that way and then loved them anyways. She didnt complain. She didnt pick. She didnt criticize. She didn't judge. She just loved.

If there was a situation that just didn't seem to have any light at the end of the tunnel, she would count her blessings along that road till the end of the tunnel was in reach. If she was sick (which now we know why she was but didn't at the time) she wouldnt dwell on it, she would acknowledge there was something going on, get it checked and thank God for the good things she did have.

There were a few personal things that really bothered her, one in particular I am thinking of, that made her sad to the core. But even in this she would sigh and just say, I guess it wasn't meant to be. She wasn't a downer- she believed that the longer you dwell on negativity the more negative your life, and eventually you to others, you would become. And that she refused to be.

I consider myself very blessed that we were close; I learned so much from her in the 12 years I knew her. When they called me and asked if I would speak at her funeral, I didn't want to, I hate public speaking, and I was a wreck, but I had to do it for her. And after searching and searching about what to talk about, I ended up with Psalms 31:10-31 where it describes a woman of noble character. It fit her perfectly. And that is something I want to be. I dont want to be "her", but live like she did- to the fullest. To see people like she did- through nonjudgmental eyes. To experience life- in all five senses. To love like she did- no holds barre. To let my actions speak louder than words. To go after what I want, cause its not going to come finding me. And to leave a legacy behind like she did- one that leaves people, 3 years later, still in awe over the good she did while here with us on earth.

I guess I will start here, with this advice she gave me. It reminds me of the poem that was read at her funeral, by I think it was her father, called The Dash. She had set goals, personally and professionally and hit them. She made the most of her time here. And just days before she passed we had talked about all the things I wanted to do and never got to, because I was finding my life had taken a totally different direction than what I'd planned. She turned and smiled that bright smile of hers and told me, Its never too late. Pick up a guitar. Learn those songs. Pick up that pen...get published. Start that business. Make that video. Get involved in that movie. Go camping with family and friends. Go to your favorite artists concerts. Take it all in. Experience LIFE, girl. Because life is what YOU make it.

Thank you, CJ for leaving such an impression on my life and others- and I know you know what I mean when I say... yes, I will dance.

The Invisible Line

Blogspot- we meet again. What brought me back here, you ask? Just something I have been pondering for some time now. And what a better place to get it out than in a blog. Right? Well, then, here it goes.

Tell me, what is the definition of a fan, and what is our function on this planet? Good ol' Webster here tells me that a fan is "someone who admires another; a follower". OK. That is really simple, isn't it? I admire a lot of people, such as my mom and my dad. Does this make me a fan of them? I'd say no. We have a relationship, which takes it to another level, a deeper one. I admire them, they (I hope!) admire me back! And not just admire, but love. Interact. Respect. The list goes on.

So who am I a fan of? Tom Hanks. Morgan Freeman. Leonardo DiCaprio. Jon Foreman. David Cook. Sandra Bullock. Celebrities. People I admire and may follow news on but do not have a relationship with. So great, I am a fan of these people, what do I do about it? What does being a fan of these people mean for me? Does it mean I get to know every single detail of their lives? Does it mean that I must know everything they do, every food they eat, every person they date? Does it mean I can tell them what to do, when to do it, and how to do it? I have personal thoughts on this that some may agree with, some may not.

In my opinion, there is an invisible line that is drawn for the fan. This line is hard to see, hard to feel out. I believe we are here to encourage, lift up, support, cheer on and pray for those we are fans of. No one is perfect... we are all bound to do things and say things that are probably not a good idea. But for the most part, shouldn't we really watch what we say and do in front of these people? The internet has made it so easy to interact with celebs on a rather daily basis, with anything from Facebook to twitter. Our words and actions speak volumes of who we are. And believe it or not, these people we look up to can and just might read what we say to them and about them. Yes, most of the time they will laugh it off, as they see this stuff daily and most likely become immune to it. But if we post enough "off" comments, don't you think it would raise a red flag after awhile? In the day and age of so many stalkers and crazed people out there, regardless if the poster is or not, security can and will be notified of anyone with repeated "off-color" comments. Just for their own protection. Fun is fun, but sometimes, you can easily cross that line and not even realize it.

So, while watching what we say, we go back to our duties as a fan... support, cheer on, blah blah. There are times when we want something from our favorite celeb and tend to get pushy and demanding. We've all done it, at least once, right? Thing is, these celebs are surrounded by people in the business telling them what to do, when to do it. Rules. Restrictions., Deadlines. Schedules. More schedules. More rules. And...you got it, more schedules. I really, honestly, dont think they need their fans telling them what to do and how to do it as well. They want to feel like someone is on their side, rooting for them, not adding to the list of demands and deadlines. You know what I am saying? And not only that, but these celebs have family and friends that are right there, pointing out mistakes, and telling them how to do things better. That is part of their job. I am not so sure that is in the fan's job description. Family and friends know these people, they have the "in" and the right to be point-blank honest with them. Let's face it, even if we know what they eat for breakfast, or who they are dating, or whether we have met the celeb once or twenty times, we don't KNOW them, we are not "friends"; we might be "friendly" if we have seen them enough times, but there is a big difference. Think about it- you know people who you call FRIENDS. And then you have people in your life that you are FRIENDLY with. See the difference?

So what the heck is the point of all this rambling? It's just me...wondering out loud... how can I be a good fan? And where exactly is that invisible line so I don't cross it, get myself on the security blacklist, and make a total fool of myself? What can I do to lift up and encourage these celebs? The business is not easy, life in front of the camera or on the road is not easy. Paparazzi and the public is everywhere, ready to devour these people we look up to. There is a LOT to this business that most people don't even realize. These artists need a support team, and one who does not judge and put down and criticize and pull apart every little detail. They get that from every other angle in their lives. Let's show these talented people that they are loved and appreciated. Let's watch out for that invisible line, shall we?
That is all.

Why?

So. I have become a blogger.

Why? Honestly, I was talked into it by a few friends.

I used to write. All the time. I have oodles of both, completed and unfinished work around my house. I have had a few pieces published in magazines and newspapers. I created and published two newsletters (for work). Two years ago, I put my pen down and haven't picked it up since. Long story, maybe for later.

A few close friends know this and have been nudging me to get into blogging in hopes of igniting that flame that once burned so bright. Right about now, the only thing I do write are press kits for bands. I guess it's the only thread that still holds me to the whole writing "thing".

Not too sure how I feel about blogging, yet, but I guess it won't hurt to try. I can always click the delete button and close down shop if I don't feel it. As of now, I don't. But I have to give it time. That's the thing with writing. Often, it takes time.

So, here I am, here it goes.